Simple Tips for Financial Freedom

I’m something of a money guru. I’ve spent my whole life grinding in order to get where I am, but I wasn’t always the affluent life-style icon that you have all come to know and love. There’s been some ups and downs, and today I figured I would share with you all exactly what kind of habits and activities have helped me amplify those ups and survive those downs over the years.

First, some background. As a young adult, I made some serious financial mistakes. These mistakes were, at the time, ruinous, but over the years I’ve managed to recognize and rebrand them as learning experiences. For instance, when I was thirteen I was living in my mom’s basement, but I was spending money a lot quicker than I was making it. I remember leasing a brand new BMW, constantly eating out, and picking up a UHD, 4K, OLED, HDMI, 56 inch, IUD television that I definitely couldn’t afford. These were lifestyle choices I was making that, at the time, should have been on the polar opposite end of my priorities list. These mistakes (and others like them) caused me utter financial ruin, but since then I have adopted a series of habits that have allowed me to live debt-free for the past few years.

My wallet, which I beat myself over the head with whenever I think about spending money.

My first tip is to establish a positive relationship with money. You see, money today is something of a taboo. You can seriously risk creating awkward situations or straight up offending people by bringing up money. This kind of relationship with the thing that acts as the lifeblood to your existence is inherently toxic because it gives money an intense power over you. We, as a society, often relinquish all financial control we have to our money. That’s why, as a rule, I take every paycheck I get on a romantic and thought-provoking date, often engaging in complex and serious conversation with it. I do this in order to establish a repertoire with my money, letting each and every cent that enters my life know all of my deepest and darkest secrets, and I like to think my money does the same with me. My paychecks and I become closer to each other than any of my human compatriots and I ever could, which makes my money lower its guard. This is usually the perfect time to exercise my second tip; cultivating a sense of fleetingness with money.

Overbearing capitalism has taught us as a civilization to hoard and covet money, but that’s entirely the wrong attitude to have concerning the stuff. In order to combat this long-established bad habit that our economic system has engrained in me, I take a crisp $100 bill out of my savings each week and kill, cook, and eat it. I’ve written at least a dozen recipes for my money that help me keep things spicy in the kitchen, although none of my recipes contain any sort of spice, as anything spicier than kosher salt ruins my extremely delicate digestive system. A digestive system that has, without a doubt, suffered some serious damage as a result of consuming really just upsetting amounts of cash over the years. Consuming so much money helps me not only reinforce my first tenant by enforcing dominance, but also teaches me that money is something fleeting, and I shouldn’t bother myself about it exiting my life.

My third tip is one of the most important: frugality. About 80% of American citizens live paycheck-to-paycheck. This is no doubt a result of American greed. So many people spend money on little things that they don’t really need, which is a habit that I have broken and replaced with a habit my close friend Merriam-Webster and I like to call frugality. For instance, I got rid of my above-mentioned TV long ago, and now every week I have a series of puppet-masters put on an extensive puppet show reenacting all the events of my favorite programs. Sure, they have to spend a few days a week building sets and puppets for each show I watch, but the money saved by not paying for cable or internet makes it all worth it. My puppet method works exactly the same, if not better than the antiquated TV method so many other people subscribe to. That’s not all, however— I also exercise frugality by bathing exclusively in McDonald’s restrooms, which comes in doubly handy, because I can use their free WiFi to publish my blog which helps me cultivate my own personal brand.

Frugality goes hand-in-hand with tip number four: shaving down purchases to the bare minimum. So many people fail to realize just how cheaply they can get some of their household essentials. I need a lot of hangers to hang up my very soft and well-fitting shirts, but hangers can cost upwards of six dollars per twenty-pack, which is why I refuse to purchase hangers. Instead, I purchase twenty, sometimes thirty, shirts at a time from Target, walk out to my car to remove their hangers, then come back and return them all. This quick tip has landed me hundreds of free hangers over the years.

All in all, I’ve managed to cultivate quite the lifestyle for myself. I hope that this post helps all of you attempt to live something approaching the healthy financial lifestyle that I have so impressively created.